Active within 24 hours!

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard of that one phrase destroying a potentially good relationship.  Most recently I was talking a good friend in DC down from what could have been a very self destructive plan.  She had been dating this guy for about 2 months and decided it was time to take down her online dating profile.  When she signed on (after not signing on in two months) she chuckled because the site had generated a new match for her and it was her new boyfriend.  She went to his profile out of curiosity and discovered that he was “Active within 24 hours!”

The funny thing is they didn’t even meet online, they meet through friends.  She had no idea that he was even on the dating site.  Needless to say, it was of course a very defining moment for her.  Which lead us to the conversation of why it is so hard for some people to STOP looking when they have a good thing right under their nose.

Fear of commitment is what we settled on in her particular situation.  After all he was 40 and NBM!  Did he think he was going to get a better deal?  Is he always going to be looking around for something better to come along?  I suppose now-a-days being exclusive means “I’m deleting my profile.”  How pathetic is that?

The conversation quickly turned to:  “I want a man who only wants me.  A man who can give me his undivided attention.  A man who doesn’t look at other women.  A man who is strong enough to hold up my pedestal.  A man who doesn’t want to meet ‘new people.’  A man who loves me on good days and bad days.  Is that too much to ask?”

She made her decision that he was not the man she wanted and ended it with grace and dignity thanks to my advice on what NOT to do…lol!

Another hard lesson learned.  If you are seeing someone at what point do YOU take down you online dating profile?  Just asking..

Comments

36 Responses to “Active within 24 hours!”

  1. Destin Girl

    If I can’t be the only women in a mans life I refuse to even consider staying with him! If two people are dating and one still has a profile up on any dating site something is wrong! Move on is my advice….

  2. Miss MatchMaker

    I think most women feel this way…

  3. DW

    If I meet a girl and we are dating, after about 2 weeks, if I really liked her I would make my profile “inactive” but maybe still keep it online for a while. After a month of dating I would take it down if things were going well only because I would not want her to think I was still looking. Definitely a good topic of discussion here!

  4. Miss MatchMaker

    DW you are a man of good character! I can’t believe no one has snagged you up just yet…

    xoxo~

  5. Doc

    Never ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to.

  6. Miss MatchMaker

    Why do you think I love daisies so much…

    xoxo~

  7. Trish

    I would leave it up until I hear the L bomb or the guy asks me about it, and asks me too. Its fun to see who else is out there, just out of curiousity, harmless.
    I believe in dating only one person at a time, but there is nothing wrong with having “back-burners” going, especially if you are hesitant on whether or not this is “Mr. Right”…. Things can change at any minute, As I have discovered, and it’s nice to pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and continue down the dating path as quickly as possible, unless you want a period of “alone time” which is healthy as well!

  8. Miss MatchMaker

    Wow Trish you are finally ‘dating like a man’ lol! All joking aside very valid points…

    xoxo~

  9. bobby

    Based from my longtime moderating of a large dating site, I believe the answer is to deactivate the profile until things work out with that person-that’s reasonable. To have the profile active after some kind of commitment has been made is, as shown in this case, a bad outcome.

    A little common sense and respect really can go a long way!

    bobby’s last blog post..Things that inspire

  10. Miss MatchMaker

    I think that is key Bobby ‘common sense and respect’ !!!!!!

    xoxo~

  11. Lost in paradise!

    I know this man and he was 39 and it was only 3 weeks! And what does NBM mean?

  12. Miss MatchMaker

    Amazing, 3 weeks! Sounds like he was a very smart man to take it down ;) I suppose sometimes men are sensitive enough to realize something so very basic…uuhhmmmm she likes me! duh ;)

    NMB = never been married

    xoxo~

  13. Bonnie

    LOL! So true!

  14. Miss MatchMaker

    yep…we know all too well…lol

    xoxo~

  15. Lost in paradise!

    Or maybe, It takes more than three weeks to really get to know someone. As far as at what point does the online dating profile come down, I think it should come down when two people agree to become exclusive!

  16. Miss MatchMaker

    Great point! 3 weeks is not long enough to get to know someone. However, there is something to be said about the differences of taking the site down vs actively searching. Finding out the person you are dating is actively searching elsewhere, whether it’s 3 weeks or 2 months (as in DC’s case), is usually a deal breaker for most people.

    xoxo~

  17. Shannon

    It comes down to wanting the same things! If one person is looking to be monogomous, and and the other is looking for the BBD, there’s no way that could work anyway!

    Talk about a wake up call!

  18. Miss MatchMaker

    The BBD just boils down to a fear of commitment. They think “well if I got this one I can get better!” I’m sorry but maybe that’s the reason this guy ended up 40 and NBM (no offense Steven you know I love you) Better she find out now then 6 months down the road!

    xoxo~

  19. Shannon

    Your friend should really tell the guy thank you. As in Thank you for letting me know now not to invest any further into this relationship!

  20. Miss MatchMaker

    That is exactly what I told her!

    xoxo~

  21. DC

    I just wanted to say thank you for your post and all the insightful comments! It is comforting to hear different opinions. Shannon you are right I am glad I didn’t invest any more time into that relationship! The whole thing took me by surprise, things were going so good up until that point. I do believe I made the right decision and I am glad Denise helped me through it. I hope that maybe others can learn from my experience as I learned from hers. Trish I know what it is like to pick myself up and brush myself off but I think some alone time is what I need for now.

    As for online dating, I don’t think I will ever try that route again. Denise was kind enough to get me set up with a service similar to hers up here in DC I may try that in the future. At least that way I know the people I would be will be meeting will be more sincere people and I think it will be a little easier knowing that those people have made a commitment to find someone to really share their life with vs the online men that are just playing a numbers game! Thanks again to everyone!

    And one more thing, to all you guys out there that are still online dating, when you do start dating someone, it might be wise to go inactive (not necessarily delete) in the very early stages of dating! Enjoy the process of getting to know that special lady and give it a chance to develop. If it appears that she can’t keep your interest, break it off with her and move on, don’t lead her on…don’t keep looking during the get to know you process because us women need to feel like we are the only one and if we are not enough, break it off before you start looking again, this would be called respect!

    Regards,
    DC

  22. Micah

    Great blog and very interesting comments! I just don’t get it when certain guys keep asking themselves why they can’t have a successful relationship. Maybe it’s because when they have a good thing right in front of them they don’t give the women the time and effort it takes to see if it will work. I’m talking about giving their undivided attention. That means stop looking! If it’s not what you want, then now you know. At least you tried. After all, what do they have to loose? Another 40 years without love. That’s sad

  23. Angella Ellisha

    Hi Miss Matchmaker,
    I have had SUCH a similar experience as this one; it made my skin crawl! Except the only difference is that I was seeing the guy for a year and a half (I’ve blogged about it already “San Francisco and Commitment Are Like Oil and Water.”)

    I have no idea what the “rules” are on taking your profile down, but honestly, I don’t know if there are rules around it. I think that if you’ve had special times with a girl and want to continue seeing her, you should DEFINITELY inactivate your profile!

    Angella Ellisha’s last blog post..When it’s time to go home, you got to get the F** out!

  24. SH

    She was just afraid of the competition. When in such a short relationship with no previous agreement to not date others, there’s not reason he shouldn’t be looking. Life is more complicated than what she saw on a website. And besides, she doesn’t know why his profile was active. He could’ve been canceling his profile when it ended.

    I knew someone this happened to. Instead of telling her to overreact and end it, I recommended she talk to the guy. She did. They talked about his concerns and hers. It worked out fine. It did eventually end and they stayed friends. But it had nothing to do with match.com.

  25. Lisa

    Been seeing a guy for about one month and a half met on match.com. I cancelled my membership, he said he was going to also, but we both noticed we still recieve profiles . But my point is I got on line to check on this to see why this was happening and I noticed under his screen name it said active within 2 weeks what does that mean?

  26. Lisa

    Things have been going great since our first date. No problems we click we like to do everything. I just don’t understand the match.com not being cancelled and if he has been on there.

  27. Laura

    I so wish I’d seen this 6 weeks ago. Just got kicked to the curb by one that hadn’t taken down or even made inactive his OKC profile. And yes, he dropped the “L” bomb, we were exclusive, the whole 9. I just figured he’d forgotten to change it. Yeah, no. He abruptly ended it out of nowhere. Claimed he wasn’t *really* in love with me, just the idea of love, etc, etc. Also said he could never learn to trust that I am who I present myself as. Yeah that’s a red flag to me. Well come to find out he had already made a date for the next day! The same guy that had a ring already picked out and on hold? What-ever.

  28. Sarahlou

    This is such a mine field….met a nice guy online, met up a few days ago, kissed, supposed to meet him tomorrow evening for dinner but am very disappointed, in myself and more so him.
    My friend is on the same site so I got her to message him to see what happened, he used a lot of the same lines on her as me, made me cringe. So now what do I do, meet him, tell him what I did? Walk away? There’s no commitment so don’t really know why I entrapped him like that but I’ve done it now.

  29. David

    Did your friend talk to the guy or just drop him? Currently, I am dating a lady I met on match in August and we decided to end our subscriptions which ended in the beginning of October. We both have not taken down our profiles because we haven’t been on it in months and should. We joke on how we still get messages from matches.

    A few days ago she helped her friend out with her match profile and saw my profile had been active within 5 days. I do not have a subscription to match anymore and cannot access anything. I received an email in my yahoo account from match a few days ago saying I had a match and I opened it and deleted it. She now is upset with me and wont talk to me because she thinks I am looking for dates. I have researched this online and have read complaints on similar situations and there is a dating website that talks on how the status option is buggy and creates problems for people in relationships.

    I have given her my account username and password, said lets call match, asked her to check out the website geeksdreamgirl.com to show her how checking your personal email can update your status.

    I hope she believes me and we can work through this but if the situation happens to anyone, please investigate before jumping to conclusions.

    I hate match right now!

  30. Cindie Light

    My sister consider yourself lucky and blessed to find this out now… you could have had 3 kids, be your normal 10lbs for each kid over and find he sucked all along. ( I was fit but found it out after an 18 yr marriage.) Save yourself grief and read Boundaries in Dating RIGHT NOW! With setting certain boundaries and knowing what to look for , I dont think you would have dated this dude.

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  32. google

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  33. Rob

    Great topic…also a good title for a book!

    I met a lady online and had great chemistry. We were intimate after about 1 month and it felt very serious. I hid my profile after we were together that first time because she indicated she wanted to be exclusive. Two weeks later I went on to cancel my account and save a few bucks….and yes, I couldn’t help but to peek.

    I got the ‘active within 24 hours’ staring right at me. I didn’t break up with her right away, but it changed things for me. I didn’t have the talk because it always felt like begging…definitely not good.

    I did break up with her about a month after that and I was surprised how upset she was because I checked about once a week and it was always active within 24 hours. No trust=no relationship.

  34. Don

    What seemed to me to be the best relationship prospects I’ve met had via online dating, were lost for this reason. I’d say there have been at least 4.

    Recently, I dated an extraordinarily beautiful, intelligent, funny, well read woman. We had a wonderful time together for almost 2 months. She was constantly online… “Active within 24 hours”. When I finally asked her how long she needed to keep meeting other men, her response was “I’m dating several other men right now.” And clearly, in the market for others. And that ended that.

    Online dating is a cancer. Women used to loath men who would date around, and now women, some women, are using online dating as an empowerment to do those very same things.

    If you are constantly looking for someone better, you will never find them. Because there is always someone better. Someone better looking. In better shape. Funnier. More romantic. Wealthier. Add other characteristics, and take your pick.

    The question is, when you meet someone you really like, do you want to know if there is someone better? That’s the question you need to ask yourself. If the answer is yes, then stay online, and do the person you are currently with a favor, and tell them “no thank you” no matter how much you think you like them. Because they are clearly not enough.

    Stringing someone along is mean, in and of itself. Stringing them along while offering yourself and pursuing other opportunities with other people in the public domain is evil. Its the equivalent of going to a party with your date, and pursuing other dating opportunities while you are there.

    This is ridiculous.

  35. Been There Done That

    Disclaimer – I don’t work for match but ended a potential relationship for similar reasons (she was online – often). After I did a little research and experimenting wanted to share, though it probably doesn’t explain everything

    1. Reading emails from Match will register you as being online – they embed little custom image files in each email that when your email is opened and pulls the image from the server, it registers activity. Even when you don’t click through a link.
    2. Deleting your account never actually ‘deletes’ the data – I thought I deleted my profile a few years ago, then when decided to sign up again using the same address – bang everything was there.
    3. Even when you are no longer a paying member (meaning you cannot read messages from other users), they will keep you profile searchable – may not have activity until you read an email from them, but nonetheless it is deceiving to active users.
    4. It is unfortunate that this is a new level of complexity to dating. However it really is not that different to the real world – if he or she is out there checking other people out in public or chatting with others, it may not be an overt come-on but we do need to figure out how to get to the point you can trust him/her to talk to other people without it going ‘anywhere’.

    just my two cents.

  36. Erica

    So thankful for these posts! I recently started seeing a guy from Match and I really like him… it’s still early on so I don’t expect him to take down his profile, but I don’t like seing that he is “online” every time I get on. Sometimes I get on just to see if he is on.. but he could be doing the exact same thing! Bottom line – technology has added a new level of complexity to relationships and it leads to a lot of over-thinking, and therefore – Heartache!

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