Active within 24 hours!
January 26, 2009 by Miss MatchMaker
Filed under Blog
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard of that one phrase destroying a potentially good relationship. Most recently I was talking a good friend in DC down from what could have been a very self destructive plan. She had been dating this guy for about 2 months and decided it was time to take down her online dating profile. When she signed on (after not signing on in two months) she chuckled because the site had generated a new match for her and it was her new boyfriend. She went to his profile out of curiosity and discovered that he was “Active within 24 hours!”
The funny thing is they didn’t even meet online, they meet through friends. She had no idea that he was even on the dating site. Needless to say, it was of course a very defining moment for her. Which lead us to the conversation of why it is so hard for some people to STOP looking when they have a good thing right under their nose.
Fear of commitment is what we settled on in her particular situation. After all he was 40 and NBM! Did he think he was going to get a better deal? Is he always going to be looking around for something better to come along? I suppose now-a-days being exclusive means “I’m deleting my profile.” How pathetic is that?
The conversation quickly turned to: “I want a man who only wants me. A man who can give me his undivided attention. A man who doesn’t look at other women. A man who is strong enough to hold up my pedestal. A man who doesn’t want to meet ‘new people.’ A man who loves me on good days and bad days. Is that too much to ask?”
She made her decision that he was not the man she wanted and ended it with grace and dignity thanks to my advice on what NOT to do…lol!
Another hard lesson learned. If you are seeing someone at what point do YOU take down you online dating profile? Just asking..
If I can’t be the only women in a mans life I refuse to even consider staying with him! If two people are dating and one still has a profile up on any dating site something is wrong! Move on is my advice….
I think most women feel this way…
If I meet a girl and we are dating, after about 2 weeks, if I really liked her I would make my profile “inactive” but maybe still keep it online for a while. After a month of dating I would take it down if things were going well only because I would not want her to think I was still looking. Definitely a good topic of discussion here!
DW you are a man of good character! I can’t believe no one has snagged you up just yet…
xoxo~
Never ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to.
Why do you think I love daisies so much…
xoxo~
I would leave it up until I hear the L bomb or the guy asks me about it, and asks me too. Its fun to see who else is out there, just out of curiousity, harmless.
I believe in dating only one person at a time, but there is nothing wrong with having “back-burners” going, especially if you are hesitant on whether or not this is “Mr. Right”…. Things can change at any minute, As I have discovered, and it’s nice to pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and continue down the dating path as quickly as possible, unless you want a period of “alone time” which is healthy as well!
Wow Trish you are finally ‘dating like a man’ lol! All joking aside very valid points…
xoxo~
Based from my longtime moderating of a large dating site, I believe the answer is to deactivate the profile until things work out with that person-that’s reasonable. To have the profile active after some kind of commitment has been made is, as shown in this case, a bad outcome.
A little common sense and respect really can go a long way!
bobby’s last blog post..Things that inspire
I think that is key Bobby ‘common sense and respect’ !!!!!!
xoxo~
I know this man and he was 39 and it was only 3 weeks! And what does NBM mean?
Amazing, 3 weeks! Sounds like he was a very smart man to take it down
I suppose sometimes men are sensitive enough to realize something so very basic…uuhhmmmm she likes me! duh 
NMB = never been married
xoxo~
LOL! So true!
yep…we know all too well…lol
xoxo~
Or maybe, It takes more than three weeks to really get to know someone. As far as at what point does the online dating profile come down, I think it should come down when two people agree to become exclusive!
Great point! 3 weeks is not long enough to get to know someone. However, there is something to be said about the differences of taking the site down vs actively searching. Finding out the person you are dating is actively searching elsewhere, whether it’s 3 weeks or 2 months (as in DC’s case), is usually a deal breaker for most people.
xoxo~
It comes down to wanting the same things! If one person is looking to be monogomous, and and the other is looking for the BBD, there’s no way that could work anyway!
Talk about a wake up call!
The BBD just boils down to a fear of commitment. They think “well if I got this one I can get better!” I’m sorry but maybe that’s the reason this guy ended up 40 and NBM (no offense Steven you know I love you) Better she find out now then 6 months down the road!
xoxo~
Your friend should really tell the guy thank you. As in Thank you for letting me know now not to invest any further into this relationship!
That is exactly what I told her!
xoxo~
I just wanted to say thank you for your post and all the insightful comments! It is comforting to hear different opinions. Shannon you are right I am glad I didn’t invest any more time into that relationship! The whole thing took me by surprise, things were going so good up until that point. I do believe I made the right decision and I am glad Denise helped me through it. I hope that maybe others can learn from my experience as I learned from hers. Trish I know what it is like to pick myself up and brush myself off but I think some alone time is what I need for now.
As for online dating, I don’t think I will ever try that route again. Denise was kind enough to get me set up with a service similar to hers up here in DC I may try that in the future. At least that way I know the people I would be will be meeting will be more sincere people and I think it will be a little easier knowing that those people have made a commitment to find someone to really share their life with vs the online men that are just playing a numbers game! Thanks again to everyone!
And one more thing, to all you guys out there that are still online dating, when you do start dating someone, it might be wise to go inactive (not necessarily delete) in the very early stages of dating! Enjoy the process of getting to know that special lady and give it a chance to develop. If it appears that she can’t keep your interest, break it off with her and move on, don’t lead her on…don’t keep looking during the get to know you process because us women need to feel like we are the only one and if we are not enough, break it off before you start looking again, this would be called respect!
Regards,
DC
Great blog and very interesting comments! I just don’t get it when certain guys keep asking themselves why they can’t have a successful relationship. Maybe it’s because when they have a good thing right in front of them they don’t give the women the time and effort it takes to see if it will work. I’m talking about giving their undivided attention. That means stop looking! If it’s not what you want, then now you know. At least you tried. After all, what do they have to loose? Another 40 years without love. That’s sad
Hi Miss Matchmaker,
I have had SUCH a similar experience as this one; it made my skin crawl! Except the only difference is that I was seeing the guy for a year and a half (I’ve blogged about it already “San Francisco and Commitment Are Like Oil and Water.”)
I have no idea what the “rules” are on taking your profile down, but honestly, I don’t know if there are rules around it. I think that if you’ve had special times with a girl and want to continue seeing her, you should DEFINITELY inactivate your profile!
Angella Ellisha’s last blog post..When it’s time to go home, you got to get the F** out!
She was just afraid of the competition. When in such a short relationship with no previous agreement to not date others, there’s not reason he shouldn’t be looking. Life is more complicated than what she saw on a website. And besides, she doesn’t know why his profile was active. He could’ve been canceling his profile when it ended.
I knew someone this happened to. Instead of telling her to overreact and end it, I recommended she talk to the guy. She did. They talked about his concerns and hers. It worked out fine. It did eventually end and they stayed friends. But it had nothing to do with match.com.
Been seeing a guy for about one month and a half met on match.com. I cancelled my membership, he said he was going to also, but we both noticed we still recieve profiles . But my point is I got on line to check on this to see why this was happening and I noticed under his screen name it said active within 2 weeks what does that mean?
Things have been going great since our first date. No problems we click we like to do everything. I just don’t understand the match.com not being cancelled and if he has been on there.